not my bed

These walls will never be the same and neither will this bed. These memories don't wear the same exploding from my head. I eat the same. Still talk the same fit in the same size shoe. I cry the same still lie the same. Just not lying next to you. You traveled past my reach now. My fingertips can't brush. And when I try to speak now it always comes out a whispered hush. But the thing that's still the hardest for me is the one that ties my tongue. I loved him No I love him He was my perfect fit No he still is You will move on and be happy again No I'm happy whith him. He's gone now But I'm not yet No I'm here and I'm still with him. I lived before I knew him. And I lived after we met. So I can only keep on breathing After he's put to rest. I didn't love him in a past tense or in a distant future place. I love him always love him. He's my constant that will never change. I waited for him to find me. Now it's his turn to wait instead.  One day I will find him. I love him

Pondering Pain

And I cannot help but wonder when they all stopped seeing me. I did not notice the way their eyes stopped reflecting my image when I spoke to them. I never felt a thing. I really only fully become aware of my lack of existence when I had fully vanished. The fact that I was real, but only on the surface was inescapable. The worst ascpect was my inability to even calculate exactly where I miss-stepped and started down the way towards my own demise.  Because it is truly excruciating to live without being anyone.  To simply only exist as a filler for a gap left in humanity.  Perhaps no one is really anyone at all.  Perhaps only those who are gruesomely aware see their own shell dancing about as if they were the ones who chose the criteria and the circumstances of the world they were gifted with.  The unparalleled screaming of one's own hollowness to be filled.  It is how we go about filling ourselves that truly creates us.  Every drop of good and bad I poured inside to fill my emptiness transformed me into what I am.
I suppose these cold gray stones imprisoning me, and the dark gloved hands grasping for me are all of my own doing.  My fumbling hands seeking anwsers in the dark seem to have found comfort at the time in deciding to lead me here.
It is really here in the shivering stillness that I realize maybe it was all for nothing.  That every moment of my existence including including this one was a waste. I had set out long ago to find myself but perhaps there never really was a me to find.

My very first song + some after thought

I hate every little thing you ever said or did
Every little thing that ever made me wish that you would love me too.
I hate every time I ever cried alone at night
Everytime I asked myself the reason why I hurt so bad inside
Now I'm not coming back
you lost your one and only chance
Because I'm over you
completely over you
You could have everything in this world
all of the money and the girls
but the one thing you will never have
will be the one thing you will always want back

when you hear this now
I hope you know I am proud
To see your face when I sing this loud
You are just a part of my crowd
When you hear my voice
Remeber you made a choice
when you decided to leave
you opened up my eyes so I could see
You didn't get the best part of me

I hate every little thing
every single wish
every last kiss
all of my tears
every secret fear
now you can hear

I hate every litte thing you ever said or did
every little thing that ever made me wish that you would love me too.
Every time I ever cried alone at night
Every time I asked myself the reasons why
I hurt so bad inside
Now I'm not coming back
You lost your one and only chance
Because I am over you
Completely over you
You could have everything in the world
All of the money and all the girls
But the one thing you will never have
Is the one thing you will always want back

I hate that you were the world to a twelve year old girl
you were the first one to break her heart
She sat on a school bus falling apart
pulling out a paper and pen
She scribbled out her first song

Because every little thing you ever said or did
Every single time you ever made me wish that you would love me too
taught me that I could channel pain to beauty
I learned how to fix my world back to the way it should be
I hope you get everything in this world
I hope you find the perfect girl
I don't have to be chained to you by love anymore
I get to step out and open brand new doors

Thank you

I would like to thank you for keeping me up all of those nights
Thank you for every moment I had to bite my lip not to cry
Thank you for making me feel the constant need to compare myself to her
 For watching me question my worth
I am thankful for you coming and going as you please
I am grateful that you blew right through me
I cannot thank you enough for making my head a mess
I would like to thank you for never knowing when enough is too much
Thank you for deciding to just give up
Thank you for pushing your way inside
I am grateful that you tore me up
Even if you are the worst kind of love
Thank you for showing me what love was.

peices 9

You never give up on me
And when I ask you why
You just smile and you say
"that is love"


I feel so very far away from home
I keep counting my steps
Keep trying to guess
How far to go
I miss the sparkle of the city
I miss carrying it with me
I just need to know where I fit

Maybe one day I will build a home
I just feel to empty to do it alone
I have been searching the world to find you
combing through billions to tie you to me
To sit down with you and a cup of tea
Hearing you say "you belong with me"
knowing that you have been searching for me

I will find you half way
You can march up to me and say
"I've searched the world to find you"

I believe in the tune I have been humming
Stepping feet to my heart drumming
Straight into my core
Then I will know for sure
A bed, walls, and a ceiling
Do not make a home
Laughter, memories, and a fight
Something to keep the heart alive

Doesn't matter the place
Doesn't matter the days
Home is You

peices 8

If our eyes don't touch
I can forget we were in love